A Look Back: Five Days In

It is my fifth day in New York City.

Strange place.
Wonderful place.
Ridiculous place.

I have moments every so often when I wonder what I am doing.  I've always had a problem with in-between periods- breaks from school and such.  Michael Morgan warned me not to be distracted.  Have a plan, he said.  And while I feel I do, and like I'll seek out my artistic lifestyle after I have a stable living situation, I can't help but feel lost.  I keep telling myself to give into this state, and I find myself able to.  The tricky thing to navigate is the lingering feeling of living out a mistake.

But what is a mistake?  Is an experience, a prolonged period of living, a mistake?  I am trying to open my heart to this new experience.  I must remember... the tricky thing is really... the real challenge of moving to New York is trusting in yourself.  You are all you have.

I do believe in myself.  I have done a beautiful job so far of living here.  Yes, I've made little mistakes.  But all they add up to is either nothing or knowledge.  I must trust in the Tao.  In a place like this, it makes such wise and wonderful sense.  I could be so much more lonely, lost and scared.  The truth is, I am just like everyone else here.  I am every moment finding reasons to belong, to exist and be here.

The truth may be that there is no life-ensuring reason to physically be here, but then I remember that this is my dreamscape.  Where I have always wanted to be.  Not just a place to be, but a place to BE.  To be human.  We are such beautiful creatures.

I am living for me.  I am in charge of my life.  I will make mistakes, and how wonderful!  What a beautiful thing that I might err and receive nothing and knowledge.

Remember.  Remember transcendence.

I am brilliant.
And this place needs light, always.  Within me are vast galaxies, universes filled withe everything.  I am endless, and I extend through the air in all directions and atoms of vapor and carbon.  And when I die, the glory of my life- what I make of it, my creation- shall fill the skies and earth and be endless.  I will flow into everything as I already do.  So really, nothing will change.

Radiance inhabits me, and I let it shine through.  I am already living the artist's life if I can impose beauty on everything I see.  But imposition is only necessary upon myself, imposing my soul to be open, relaxed.  Conscious opening.  Light as nothing.

Life is mine, forever and for now.