It is my fifth day in New York City.
Strange place.
Wonderful place.
Ridiculous place.
I have moments every so often when I wonder what I am doing. I've always had a problem with in-between periods- breaks from school and such. Michael Morgan warned me not to be distracted. Have a plan, he said. And while I feel I do, and like I'll seek out my artistic lifestyle after I have a stable living situation, I can't help but feel lost. I keep telling myself to give into this state, and I find myself able to. The tricky thing to navigate is the lingering feeling of living out a mistake.
But what is a mistake? Is an experience, a prolonged period of living, a mistake? I am trying to open my heart to this new experience. I must remember... the tricky thing is really... the real challenge of moving to New York is trusting in yourself. You are all you have.
I do believe in myself. I have done a beautiful job so far of living here. Yes, I've made little mistakes. But all they add up to is either nothing or knowledge. I must trust in the Tao. In a place like this, it makes such wise and wonderful sense. I could be so much more lonely, lost and scared. The truth is, I am just like everyone else here. I am every moment finding reasons to belong, to exist and be here.
The truth may be that there is no life-ensuring reason to physically be here, but then I remember that this is my dreamscape. Where I have always wanted to be. Not just a place to be, but a place to BE. To be human. We are such beautiful creatures.
I am living for me. I am in charge of my life. I will make mistakes, and how wonderful! What a beautiful thing that I might err and receive nothing and knowledge.
Remember. Remember transcendence.
I am brilliant.
And this place needs light, always. Within me are vast galaxies, universes filled withe everything. I am endless, and I extend through the air in all directions and atoms of vapor and carbon. And when I die, the glory of my life- what I make of it, my creation- shall fill the skies and earth and be endless. I will flow into everything as I already do. So really, nothing will change.
Radiance inhabits me, and I let it shine through. I am already living the artist's life if I can impose beauty on everything I see. But imposition is only necessary upon myself, imposing my soul to be open, relaxed. Conscious opening. Light as nothing.
Life is mine, forever and for now.
